If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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