Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize