Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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