i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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