I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
