Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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