Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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