Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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