You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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