he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
