look no pants
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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