And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
