he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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