Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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