And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
