Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
