I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i dont even know how to be here
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
