FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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