Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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