So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
