3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
