Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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