i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
