I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
