FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
