I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
It's blow job season.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
