Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I know her cup size but not her name....
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