It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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