ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
