Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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