take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Randomize
