dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I just had sex on a roof
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize