I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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