I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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