here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
