I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Still dying that you shit outside
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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