Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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