Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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