We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
