Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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