this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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