I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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