I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
