she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
The adults are the big ones right?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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