Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
