i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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