Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
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