you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Dick very happy bro
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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