We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
