finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Randomize
