Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Houston, we have a squirter
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
