Can i not drive my cunt home
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
