i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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