they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
