I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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