let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
