i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
