Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
