Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
