if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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