I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
